Another Day, Another Journal

Date: April 15, 2007
Time: 10:14pm

It is sunday night so you can guess what I am going to write about. If you guessed church, your right. We went to Kathy's church again because her pastor really wanted us to come tonight.

I do not know where to go from here. I am frustrated. I left church tonight just feeling really not satisfied. I took good notes from the pastor, I worshiped, I prayed, but I did not get to the same level. I have been to this place before. Where I feel like I have come to a stalemate. I remember having times like these in my old youth group. I would get so frustrated, wondering what I did wrong, wondering why other people were being touched and I wasn't. A few times it would get to the point where I would just quit because I wouldn't be able to handle the disappointment. Although during one of these points, I turned to a friend who told me of a verse that I remember today. I actually still have my notes I wrote after that little coming together.
Acts 2:17 –>all people
In the last days, God says, I will pour out my spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.
When I feel jealous of what God is doing in other people's lives, or during worship when I feel like I can't get any further, I must remember that God wants to pour out his spirit on all people. God is not a favourer of anyone.

The following words are taken from my own hand at a youth retreat on May 3, 2006. “I can't get frustrated thinking that I'm missing out. God is right there. He's just happy that I'm going after his presence. God's voice is very near to me. His words are in my mouth and in my heart so that I may obey them. God's word/instruction/guidance are all reachable, are all near.”

After tonight, I am really beginning to feel the difference in spiritual levels. This might not be exactly, but this is how it feels. Most of the people in our group began having a living relationship with God last sunday. They had never really encountered God. This is not where I am at. I had already experienced these things. I am at the point where I just need to grow. I am already planted. I am at the point where I am telling God my life is his. They are not there yet. I now feel tonight that God is saying to me: how badly do you want me? Are you going to give up again? You can do it, follow me. Come to me. You know you want me now. Just come. I want to take you to a new level. To answer the questions that you have. To answer your prayers.
I no longer believe I am caught in a stalemate. I believe God is telling me to grow. He first gave me a taste of his presence so that I would go after him. And now that its not so easy to receive from him, he wants to know if I am going to stick around, or give up. This is crunch time if you will. I know that I need to just keep seeking his face and then God will reward me. I know I need him. This is a good place to be in.

Although, I still need a little encouragement so I turn to James 1. “Consider it a sheer gift friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced to open and show its true colours. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in anyway. If you don't know what you're doing, pray to God. He loves to help.” As well as 2 Corinthians 12:7-10: “My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Life isn't always pleasant, but it is for our own good. Whatever you are going through, let God's strength hold you up. There may be things for you to learn, things for you to do, ways you can be an example to others as you let God strengthen you in your weakness. Don't worry about the next day. Ask God to give you the strength for this day. Let him show you that He is a faithful God, and you can trust him.”

I really believe God gave Mr.K's wife these verses just for me. I believe that I have something to learn, things that God wants me to do, and ways that God will make me an example. Tonight during worship I was obedient to God and bowed down. Once I opened my eyes, I saw that Meg, Ben, Laura, and I think Rachel and Liesl were all bowing down too. Maybe my spiritual growth will help those around me. I do not know. I am just going to go with the flow.

Tomorrow I will try to be a blessing. I want to be agreeable, sympathetic, loving, compassionate and humble. (1 Peter 3:7-10)