Ground Zero

I have returned from church. It is 9:04pm, we went to the evening service of Kathy MacDonald's church. I will try to explain what has occurred tonight, but nothing will come close. Tonight our group bonded in a deeper way, we became one body, we bonded in a spiritual way. Tonight, some people broke down before God, many cried, many laid hands on each other, and many hugged afterwards. This was a very emotional night for most, including myself. The ending was the most intense spiritual moment. The pastor specifically called up one of our own, Liesl, to pray for. I was in the front row so I followed Beth's lead and I laid hands on her. He began to pray for her, and as he prayed for her, my eyes began to fill with tears. The pastor came to a point where he asked her if she had any school issues she wanted him to pray about and she said her school wasn't where it's supposed to be spiritually. I did not realize it at the time, but Liesl was really reminding me of myself last year. Last year I was really on fire for God, I was ready to see my school saved, and so on. I began to feel little pangs of guilt, like we both want to go into ministry and I began to realize how far I have drifted from my grade 11 self. Once we finished praying for her, the pastor moved on to Alex. The circle closed around her, and everyone laid hands on her. I was on the outside of the circle, so I stood alone. As I worshiped, tears came streaming down my face. I didn't even know why I was crying, I was just being touched. My mind was absolutely blank and yet I was bawling. Liesl and Beth laid their hands on me, but I continued to cry. Then the pastor noticed and he asked Liesl what my name was, after she told him, he called me towards him. He took my hand and led my into the center of the circle. Everyone laid hands on me and he began to pray for me. Among many things that he prayed over me, he asked me if I have any issues with my father. So I told him a quick summary, basically my father was verbally abusive, he called my siblings and I 11 greedy hands always grabbing for his money, he moved out when I was younger, and now I see him once a month if I want to. He told me that God wants me to forgive him. Previously in my life I have forgiven him. As I said earlier, my grade 11 self, I had dealt with this issue, that is how I was able to see him even once a month. But God knew that I had fallen back into my old ways. I had allowed myself to pull away from my dad again, to re-allow those hurts back in my life, and to not forgive him again. Before this trip, I have been generally avoiding my father's calls, pretending that I am not home, and I only went out with him once so that he would buy me shoes for my trip. Although this was not the main issue. I had not begun to cry over my father. I began to cry because I felt guilty for falling away, I felt guilty for not being farther in my Christian walk, for not being the leader that I so want to be. Another thing the pastor poured over me was God's grace, he said I am forgiven. I now know that God is ready to work with me where I am at. He knows that I am not at the leadership level and I need to stop focusing on what I will become, but enjoy the ride, enjoy every day. That is why he brought about the dad issue. He was telling me that I am not ready for the big issues, I still have little issues to work out first before I can become the leader that I want to be. Before I can minister to others, and see other people saved, I need to work out my dealings. Not saying that I will not become a pastor or missionary or whatever, but God needs to work on me now. I really needed this night, and another beautiful thing that came out of this was the relationships were strengthened. After the pastor finished praying for me, he told me to turn around, and when I did I saw almost the whole group around me. They were all praying for me, laying hands on me. It was amazing to see. Once the pastor finished praying for everyone, we all just came together. It was a sea of hugs, everyone was smiling, happy and supporting each other. Honestly, it was so beautiful. I know I have to be here, I know I have to be with these people. This is going to be a crazy 3 months. We all laughed after saying that this is only week 2, there is a lot more to come.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength – I am strong when I have joy...